What remains is your love

 I know you are gone.

Gone, never to return!

But I am here,

living, breathing, surviving 

I am lucky to have him still,

Him and him and him. (Husband, Brother and Father)

These men are now my paulbearers.

Paulbearers of what's left of my soul and heart.

They will help me carry on,

until the next one falls.

Hopefully, by then, I'll be over grief. 

Grief and Death, will not be a shock anymore.

I am numb to shock.

Numb to this pain. 

I know, it is possible.

You are gone,

but what remains is your love.

Your love is in me.

I grew up, happy and secure.

I can adult because of love.

Thank you for being a loving person.

I never realised, your greatest gift was 

Your Love to me!

Grief!

 I am not scared of dying,

of Death per say.

The trauma leading to it scares me.

But I know, I'll be ok.

I started bit of Yoga now.

To keep my body alive and well.

To make Death easier as well.

Grief has taken a new form, Mother

I miss you everyday but tears don't bother.

Sometimes, it hits me,

how you suddenly disappeared in front of my eyes.

How I don't hear your voice or laughter

or don't see the twinkle in your eyes.

And now the tears come, Mother

I still miss you.

But there is no emptiness in my heart anymore.

I just have the Death ripper looming around me

constantly reminding me,

that it is coming

Any moment, anyone can be gone.

To hold what is dear even tighter.

Some days I am at peace with you gone.

You won't see more horrors of the living,

of people dying everyday.

Before they truly die one day.

My Father

 I barely talk to you

'Cause, we don't chat much anyway.

I don't see your love in words and long conversations.

But now, that mum is gone, I see it

I see your love in how you take care of the little things

How you make sure, everything is spick and span

How the clotes are ironed right

or the water is filled

or there is milk in the fridge.

I see how you take care of the little things around the house.

You were always the caring horse,

that loved through actions

but could never talk

The one that was born with a stunted mouth

I miss my childhood family unit

I miss being a child

I love you, Dad

And Sorry, we could never talk. 

This love was never meant to be the regular way. 

You did not prepare me

You did not prepare me for this. 

This vacuum around your name

I fumble to call out, mummy. 

I don't know how to deal with this nothingness. 

This death surrounding us all. 

Waiting by the door, 

Keeping a tab on when the time is up. 

The one thing we can never control,

Is when death will embrace us. 

You did not prepare me for your loss.

For the what will be without your smile or sound.

For where will I look for advice,

What will I do without you.

I did not know,

how deeply I loved you.

Until you were gone!

Want to end it all

I wish to end it all, Mum.

Kill my pain forever. 

Be with you forever. 

Go back to that day,

When you brought me home. 

Smiled looking at me.

Showed your tender love,

Your pure heart.

I wish to end it all, Mum.

Can't take this separation anymore. 

Eternal sleep is what I wish for.

Eternal sleep with you, Mum.

I want to think about Death

 I want to think about Death.

Almost all the time,

a constant reminder that

it is lurking around the corner.

Waiting to show itself when

it feels fit. 

I want to think about Death.

In times, when I feel greedy,

In times, when I laugh

Every morning,

is a constant reminder of Death.

Of my Mum gone

And many others that die everyday. 

It hits different on some days.

Today, I am nauseous.

Yesterday, I was disgusted with myself. 

Thought of Death, hits different everyday.

Don't look Forward to

I don't look forward to

Those morning sunrises anymore. 

Each day ahead, is a day less with you. 

I dread going back home, Dad

'Cause that's far for you. 

But my Life is there, 

With him beside me. 

I don't look forward to

Those morning sunrises anymore. 

'Cause I dread what turn your Health will take, Love.

I'm scared to count the possible sunrises with you. 

I want to sleep beside you forever and ever.