Badlaav

Pakki dhoop subah ka rukh dekh rahi thi,
Kuch kaagaz, kuch samaan nikaale maine us bag se.
Aaj badlaav ka din hai, theharaav ka darr hai mujhe.
Par waqt badalta rahega. Is samay ke peeche bhi ek badlaav tha.
Insaan baahri badlaav se itna darta kyun hai?
Hawa, paani, baadal, sab badalte hi toh rehte hai.
Sab kuch thehera hua sa lagta hai par aandhi toh aane waali hai.
Main bhi badal rahi hu, main badal chuki hu.

Waiting

The long wait has begun. As I wait every month for the final verdict to come on our paperwork, it makes me think so intensely inward. I am obsessed to know my future, is it bleak, is it bright? Am I happy in the picture of tomorrow?
It's strange how every moment can be so captivating. Funny that I'm manically searching astrology predictions everyday, half believing them.
The surface seems so calm, so unperturbed. But there is a great battle waging inside. I have let go of my body, my diet and my mind. It is so easy to fall back on past habits. Mindless acts have become the norm. My to-do list is ever increasing. My skills are depleting. Mind is forgetting words. It's like I'm suddenly ageing at a rapid pace. There are days when I'm stuck in a mindless cycle of rising from the bed, watching reruns of popular sitcoms and stuffing my mouth with whatever I get my hands on.
I know it's wrong. All these little acts are reflecting on my body, my mind and my speech. The excitement of changing base is combined with a gripping fear of being left out of the race. The race to excel, make my own name. I question my principles, my thought process and my dreams. I wasn't meant to be like this. A younger me had long before promised that I will not remain like this. I was suppose to have changed and for the better. But today I feel like a bloated blob. I won't give up, that's for sure. But I feel stuck to even put up a fight.
I'm writing frequently. That's the only positive I see these days. Writing is the best thing in the world to me today. It is like letting out steam. I fearlessly and shamelessly write down my thoughts, my mental and physical condition. I'm in a very bad shape right now but I don't want to be stuck here. I want to grow, feel beautiful again. Pick up my pieces and paint a bright picture for myself.
I have hope, lots and lots of hope. I know my gloom is temporary. I am in passing. But I'm permanently damaging my beautiful body and in the process damaging my confidence. It's difficult to stay on track. On track of good health of mind and body and soul.
Nothing is wrong with me but everything is wrong inside. I need to let go of those fears. Fear of an insecure future, fear of a being a misfit.
I'm aware with past experiences as a good proof that life is a constant battle. You need to rise and shine everyday. Get up and show up everyday.
I'm searching for my inner strength. Maybe writing everyday will help. Maybe this entire process will bring out the beautiful me. A shinier and brighter me.
I know that the best awaits me. I just need to hold on and wait. It's always a mind over matter game. I need to take everyday as it comes. I need to show up calm even though I'm desperate to see the results. Even though I am in midst of a storm.
Paperwork will come when it's meant to. Everything will happen when it's meant to.
How is it that my words are so powerfully positive even though the mind that speaks it is so fearful and glum?
I think, I speak and I live every single day, mentally trying to break my shackles in the process.
Destiny, I'm your child. I open my arms to be received by you. I won't break. I shall heal my cracks. I shall rise and shine.

"Shine bright like a Diamond. Shine bright like a Diamond. Find light in the beautiful sea, I choose to be happy. We are like diamonds in the sky." Rihanna